FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE: Text of President Donald Trump’s inauguration speech, to be delivered in Washington, DC, January 20, 2017.
My fellow Americans.
I stand here before you fully aware that I face a divided nation. Real Americans who voted for me, and losers. But I say to you we are all Americans. Some of us are just not Real Americans, but being a fake American is still a kind of American. Let me say that even though we don’t see eye to eye, I welcome you all to this new era of prosperity. My solemn promise to you is that you, too, will reap the benefits and bigness and classy prosperity even though, frankly, you don’t deserve it. You should really be deported for being fake Americans, you should, and when I am president you will be.
That will all be taken care of in time. Once we have a government. We need to do a little hiring, that is true. I will hire the best people, that was my promise, and if these snooty failed lawmakers would all just stop talking about how bad my people are we could start doing business and making deals. Washington!
We are gonna make some deals in this country, I tell you. Did you read my book? The Art of the Deal, it was a best seller, extremely high ratings. You can get a gold-plated commemorative edition from my website. Well, it’s not really gold but it looks like gold. But the deals — just think about how crummy things are around here. We are going to take these crummy things and get rid of them, because of deals, and what we get in return will be fantastic, really the best, the envy of the world. We will screw everyone else over and then tax the crap out of them when they try to sell us stuff. Our deals will benefit the USA and nobody else; when I am done the rest of the world will be the impoverished, low-quality, underdeveloped, smoldering wasteland it should be. I am a businessman and this is what I do. Prosperity!
Hillary Clinton, what a nasty lady. I will kill her.
People say I am breaking my promises, I hear that people are saying this, and maybe they are right but believe me, they are wrong. I will literally kill Hillary Clinton.
Settle down, everyone. Please, settle down. It’s a nice chant but it’s not appropriate. Not at this time. Later we can chant that as we chase Hillary Clinton through the streets with tanks and guns. We are going to do that together, we don’t do that anymore America. We do not mete out justice as an angry mob anymore. But we will. A return to greatness!
The country is a mess, it’s really a disaster of a country although the people in it are superior, really first-rate people. Well, the people who were born here, obviously, and who voted for me. There are no jobs! There is no health care! There is no Dow Jones! Did you know that, did you know that the Dow Jones is literally zero? It has been for quite some time now, although the fake news won’t report it. You have to go to Angry Freedom Eagle dot com for the facts. But now, seriously, we are dealing with a Dow Jones that is literally zero-point-zero. Zero. Point. Zero. And almost half the country are illegal Mexican immigrants. Weak!
With me as your president, you will get the facts. You will not get a lot of garbage from reporters and newspapers. This is my solemn promise to you: I will free you from the tyranny of fake news, all you need to know will be tweeted daily, by me. Don’t read anything else, don’t think – just take my word for it. Thinking is a burden and in me you have elected one of the most hugely intelligent people who ever lived. You are lucky to have me as a president and you are lucky to have my tweets to read. This is really a golden age of luck with prosperity and also winning and victory. Are you tired of winning yet?
Frankly, I am a little tired of winning. But I will keep winning because I care about you, the people who voted for me, and because I can’t help it. I always win, and some people just can’t handle that.
We have no Navy, and that is a problem. While a bunch of intellectual elites were watching Downton Abbey and that show about the queen, we shut down our whole Navy and gave the ships to ISIS. We just gave them the ships! What a bad deal that was, I would not have made that deal. This is what we are up against now, a struggle at home against the kind of people who watch Downton Abbey and other froofy English TV shows, and a struggle abroad against the ISIS Navy. I know it sounds unbelievable but it’s true, you can read it at Patriotic USA Gun dot net. Hold on a second, I will tweet the link right now. Send!
Soon we will have a Dow Jones, and we will have a Navy again, and we will have a wall and new factories, and Hillary Clinton will be dead, and her soul will be burning in hell. We will laugh heartily like the founding fathers did, eating Trump steaks and drinking Trump bottled water. Talk about making America great again!
My lovely wife, Melania. Check her out. What a nice looking woman, and Ivanka is pretty hot too. They may have foreign names but they are part of the American dream, the dream of marrying a really hot yet classy lady. It is a dream I have achieved not once but three times, which is just more proof that I am the most American American of all time. Jared Kushner, he married up, congratulations to him. I married at my own level, which is the top level, really the best level. So of course I will be a great president. It’s obvious, people!
I would like to take a moment to address the concerns and reach out to the women of America. You are a special breed. You are really very sexy and classy, at least some of you are. So to you, I extend a hand. It is a friendly hand, do not be afraid. When you least expect it, there it will be: My hand. Reaching. For you. Togetherness!
And out of the shabby rubble of this Obama Kenyan-style disaster of a country, America will rise to greatness again. I am the only one who can make it happen because I am the type of person who screwed it all up. I know the secrets. I know everything, so you don’t have to. Now let’s go kill Hillary Clinton.
Ok, ok, as I said, that’s a nice chant but please knock it off, for now. It’s not appropriate to the classy occasion and the tremendousness of my office. I am not really going to kill Hillary Clinton.
Yes I am. I will kill Hillary Clinton. No I won’t. See what I am doing here? You don’t know whether I will kill Hillary Clinton, and more importantly she doesn’t know whether I will kill her. What are her options? She has none. My ambiguity has defeated her, just as it defeated all of you. Hand over your weapons, Hillary, and go into hiding. No more e-mails for you!
May god continue to bless the real Americans of the United States of America. Now let’s go kill Barack Obama. Just kidding! Or am I?