Latest Posts Under: private area

No new posts in over two months? How unsightly. Here’s a business card distributed by a plastic surgeon; it has two holes and some stretchy rubber — put your fingers through the back and her breasts swell unnaturally before your very eyes! Brilliant. Copyranter: Female plastic surgeon’s fake boobs business card. That reminds me — my humanitarian work for Playboy.com has moved to Playboy’s tamer site, TheSmokingJacket.com — here’s my archive: The Smoking Jacket: Girlwatcher archive

When it comes to TV commercials for products you apply to your intimate areas, nothing can top the ’80s spots that began “Mom, do you ever get that … not-so-fresh feeling?” I wonder whether I would still be so sure of myself if I spoke Japanese. This is potentially just as good.

Anatomy of the city

On the subway today trying to explain the MTA map to the curious kid. Looking at it anew, I noticed — not that I shared this with him — yeah, it does look like a shlong, doesn’t it? All in all it was a nice visit to the Upper East Urethra but I’m glad to be home in west Bozack. [Image from Subway Art Blog.]

They say the internet is a series of chairs. This is some stuff stuck to the bottom of those chairs. British retailer eliminates so-called “boobage penalty.” Actually nobody has called it the “boobage penalty.” I just made that up. Stand back, I’m a professional writer. Honestly I didn’t think Eddie Izzard could be any funnier. But that’s before I saw his bits done in Lego form. Death Star Cantina. Do you have a flag?, Romans/Carthaginians/Elephants, etc. Yes I know these are old. Last night Colbert […]

I not dead

What the world needs now is another lamer who starts a blog, then after an initial flurry of posts lets it go to seed. But I have actually been posting, just not here — I’m working on The Blow Up, Playboy’s Entertainment Blog. I plan to keep this going as well, if sporadically. In an earlier post I described a Dali/AT-AT tattoo as the geekiest ever. This has got to be the just plain worst ever. Source Afrojacks agrees. Title of this post is a […]

Add to wish list

Dispenses liquor out of bum hole. Don’t worry, not human bum hole. Warthog bum hole. Two of them, actually. And as you can clearly tell, one was a boy and one was a girl. Maybe I’m just a romantic, but I like to think that they were married. Happy anniversary my dear, let’s have a toast to many more years of wedded bliss here on the African savanna. What’ll it be — Beam or Jager?

Cracked’s list of 9 Corporate Attempts at Edgy that Failed is pretty good, although the top spot is slightly botched. They got the corporation right — McDonald’s — but not the attempt. You could think on it all day long and still not come up with anything more clueless than the 2005 banner ad that said “Double cheeseburger? I’d hit it!” Daily News: Nation’s most inclusive state, New Jersey, suddenly has something against Brazilians. Slate: Britney Spears is so If-You-See-Kay-ing clever I can’t stand it. […]

I asked the Playboy Advisor and got the straight story: Penis-enlargement is big business. Pun unavoidable. 1. Whip up a placebo (usually made of oats) with a suggestive name. 2. Devise a convincingly unpolished infomercial (these people are not actors — they are men with small penises and accredited urologists willing to lie for money). 3. Count the cheddar, baby. Those pushing name-brand trouser snake oil are making hundreds of millions of dollars off of nothing, and unless they’re dumb enough to renege on money-back […]

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