What follows is a found document, with publication date of 2017. Presented without comment.
You the reader, or the student or whatever, young person, maybe you want to read this or somebody’s making you. Somebody is probably making you read it. You’re there with this book and let me tell you—you’re lucky it’s this book and not the rotten piece of garbage they were reading last year. I wrote this book and I’ll be honest with you, it’s fantastic. You’ll be very pleased with it.
—Donald Trump, Best United States President of All Time
I. America Becomes America
Christopher Columbus, he comes over to America in three ships. The names of the ships are not important. Stop worrying about the names of the ships. You’ve got all these people, they’re saying “What were the names of the ships?” I tell you, you don’t need to know that. This is an example of thinking too small—we think too small these days. Forget the names of the ships already! They’re Spanish anyway, I tell you we speak enough goddamn Spanish in this country already without having to go naming a bunch of Spanish ships. Not in a book about American history. Not on my watch!
This guy, Columbus, he comes to America and when he gets there he lands on an island, one of them down there. I tell you, and this is what I hear, but it’s a fact, it’s many people’s opinions and it’s a fact, they say that I have built some of the best resorts in the Caribbean. Who am I to argue with that fact? They’re spectacular resorts, anyone will tell you that.
Columbus lands on an island that will one day be a spectacular Trump resort, although let me tell you—it was not a resort when he got there. No way. The people were dirty and they were criminals—they were breaking all kinds of laws and they didn’t even have laws to break. What a rotten system. Columbus, he said “I’m going to get you to behave, and here’s what’s so fantastic about it—I’m going to make you pay for it!”
That was a great plan he had, and the taxpayers and honest working people, they loved it. He was very popular with them. Well, there weren’t any taxpayers yet but still, this guy knew what he was doing. Some people will tell you that Columbus did awful, despicable things, and they’re right, he did, but he did them to despicable people. So what are you gonna do? It doesn’t count. You can do bad things to people if you disagree with them and consider them inferior. That’s just simple fairness. America is really out of whack these days, they don’t get that idea. It’s simple, people!
II. The British Are the Americans. Weird But True!
Later, like 50 years later or something, these guys come over on a ship called the Mayflower. You might as well learn the name of this ship, it’s only one name. It’s the Mayflower. And it’s in English, thank god something is in English. There are Pilgrims in the boat and they have come to this country to be religiously free. They were persecuted in England for their Christianity! What a bunch of garbage. I don’t know, who was it, maybe the Jews or the Muslims over there, the Druids, who cares, who said “You shouldn’t be Christian.” As a Christian, which I am, a very observant and fantastic Christian, I think that’s a load of bullshit.
Where was the king all this time, why didn’t he defend the Christians of England? Because he was a nutjob, that’s why. King George, and it’s not important to know his name, but I do because, and people say this but I don’t know whether it’s true, but it’s what I heard, I know his name was King George because I’m educated. I really am, really very well educated. But whether it was King George, or King Henry, or King Ralph—whatever the hell, it really doesn’t matter, because he was crazy as a loon this guy. He would walk around with no pants on, and poop right there in front of Buckingham Palace. What a loser! He deserved everything that happened to him.
So, and here’s what I find so fascinating about the Pilgrims, I really do, as a student of history. One minute they are fleeing for their lives so they can be Christians, and as I have said I am a Christian. Then you all know what happens next—then they’re in Virginia and they’re growing tobacco and shipping it back to England. Ha! Tobacco, a fantastic product to grow at that time. Now, not so much, but that’s because of a lot of whiners.
But back then, everyone wanted Virginia tobacco, it was the best in the world. Why? Quality. That’s really what we’re talking about. It was a quality product, and that’s because it was made in America. America was great then. We made things, and they were synonymous with quality. In the entire history of the world, nobody had ever made anything as good as the Americans made tobacco. England didn’t know what to do! They had no concept of quality. And their nutjob king, he just kept pooping on the lawn.
Now, I’ll tell you one thing, and this is where we need to be honest with ourselves as Americans. It was not a good time for the blacks. The tobacco, the cotton, the coal mines, the cyber, these all required cheap labor. American entrepreneurs looked at what was going on and said “Cheap labor? Why have cheap labor when you can have free labor?” That is brilliant, it really is. That’s American business acumen at its finest.
So what they did was they went to Africa and they told the blacks, “You’re going to come to America and we will give you a job and it’ll be fantastic. You will do an honest day’s work instead of just running around with a, what, spear or a knife or something. You are going to love it, you’ll be very pleased with it.” Oh and the other thing they said, “Best of all—no lions!” And the blacks, they loved this idea, and they were really eager to get to America where they would have such a great life. And unfortunately that did not turn out to be true, not at that time.
Of course, look at what is happening now. Look at Africa. When I talk to the blacks, they tell me how glad they are that they don’t live in Africa. You’ve got ISIS running wild all over the countryside, barbarians, subhuman people, these Muslim terrorists. The blacks are so much better off. You know, slavery—not good. But now? They tell me that it was worth it. I have literally had blacks come to me and tell me that. Large groups of blacks. They love me, they are always wanting me to hold their children. As a policy, I do not touch children of any ethnicity. They have a lot of germs. I do very well with the blacks.
Then, well, somewhere in here, the order isn’t really important. I have had guys, you know, I know guys who write books, historians, and they tell me that the order of things that happen in history is overrated. There are the big things that happen in history, and if you think big then that’s what you care about. You know—Pearl Harbor! JFK! Titanic! Bing-bing-bong. But then you hear from these other people, and they’re saying “no, that’s not right, this other thing happened before that thing,” and I am just sick of that. Aren’t you? I mean, who cares which thing happened first? Think big, America! Abraham Lincoln! Vietnam! Marilyn Monroe! These are the big things.
As I was saying, America, it decides it doesn’t want to be part of England anymore. You English, with your batshit crazy king, we’ve had enough—get outta here! And the English soldiers, they’re going around in red coats, that’s what they wore. The Americans had fantastic guns, really spectacular firepower, it was so easy. Blam! Shoot anything in a red coat. So dumb, these British guys. Just like that, they killed every goddamn one of them. And then what they did, they kept selling tobacco to those fat Englishmen and devalued their own currency. They were playing dirty but it was smart. They were heroes.
They wrote the Declaration of Independence, which was a fantastic document. Really spectacular stuff in there. I’ll just paraphrase it, at that time they wrote things in a fancy way but what they were saying was “Listen you nutjob English King George,” it was really some strong wording. They were very direct the founding fathers. They didn’t mince their words, they didn’t bow down to other countries or respect them in any way. So they said “We’re not a colony anymore, why don’t you take the Magna Carta and stick it up your ass.” Which was an ironic thing to say to a king who is pooping all over Buckingham Palace. I don’t know, maybe he was already wiping with the Magna Carta, I have asked historians about this and they say, well, they don’t know, but they think maybe he did.
Oh, you’re gonna love this. When he peed, it came out purple. Purple! What a loser!
III. Some Other Racial Thing and a Railroad
So the blacks, they did not have it so good, and then America decides to have a railroad, a really top-shelf railroad. Big-league, quality railroad, better than those wussy railroads they’re building in Europe. Kaiser Wilhelm, Napoleon, these guys, they couldn’t build a railroad, not a quality, fantastic railroad like the one the Americans built.
And so they said, well, the blacks are busy right now, so what we’re going to do is build this railroad with Chinese. So that’s what they did. For the Chinese, it was a great job opportunity, and you know, the Chinese, the Orientals, the Asians—you know, whatever name you call them, they are really fabulous workers. They are so disciplined. And they made a fantastic railroad, with a lot of pride in their work, and really became part of the fabric of America. No, we didn’t pay them either, well not much, but look at them today. Perfect score on the SAT, every one of them. Well, the math part of the SAT. Still, it’s the discipline. You think, “my grandfather built this quality railroad, what an honor. The least I can do is score a perfect math SAT.” That’s really a fantastic way to honor him. They’re big on honor, these people.
It’s not a very American way of looking at things, but we allow it.
IV. How Racism Ended
Then—boom!—Civil War. And this was not a good time for the blacks. Or the whites. Nobody had a good time in the Civil War at all. Honestly it was a stupid war, I don’t think it was really necessary. I would have sat that one out.
After the Civil War ends, the blacks are free. And this was just fantastic. Now they were ready to join in the American dream, and it was really for the best. And what is all this stuff, all these wussies we hear about these days talking about racism? The blacks have been free for so long. There’s no racism anymore, how can you have racism when everybody’s free? Baloney!
V. World War I, What a Disaster. A Disaster!
When World War I happens, it’s a joke. It’s all these Yugoslavians beating up on each other and we should just have let them do it. Blow each other to bits, who cares about these morons. But no. The Germans think they need to be involved, then the French get involved, then the English and the Russians and the Turks and the goddamn Egyptians. And the English, they trick all these people from India and Australia into it. And it just goes on and on. Ten, 11 years this war goes on and there’s no point to it.
The fact is, we should not have gotten involved. I would not have gotten involved in World War I. But we got involved in the war, right there at the end, and it was a great idea. This is the sort of thing we should be doing now. These countries were utterly exhausted by this war, you had men in these rotten trenches for years, just sitting in a trench, not even knowing who they were fighting anymore. You’ve got, whatever, Pierre in this trench with gangrene and Fritz in another trench with only one leg, and they lob bombs at each other now and then—just a crummy state of war.
So the Americans come in and we say, “Look you poor, exhausted soldiers, this is so shabby, we’re going to make this war fantastic again. It will really be a fabulous war and you’ll all be much happier with the result.” And we mopped the place up. And that really sent a message to the world: These Americans are problem-solvers. They do fantastic, impressive things. They’re all about quality.
And ultimately, you have to look at the big picture. I’d just like to reflect on this for a moment. I said that we should have let those people blow themselves to bits. But just think about the change in the path of history as relates to international fashion models. The fact is, if we had not gotten involved in World War I, two-thirds of my wives would have been different ladies. Who knows? I mean, Ivana and Melania are really spectacularly beautiful, and somehow, in some way, World War I is responsible for them becoming fortunate enough to marry a successful American businessman like me. I’m extremely successful, extremely successful. It’s really a heartwarming American story.
But you can’t go back and say “what if this had been different and then some other thing had happened, what would your history of wives look like?” That is loser thinking, it is Monday morning quarterbacking. What happened happened and the world is this way because of it. But it makes you think. History is good for that.
VI. After WWI, but Before WWII, the Best or Maybe the Worst of Times
Let’s get back to history. Enough of this digression, all we do is digress these days. We don’t make things.
The big picture is this: America! Great, great America. We were the envy of the world. Suddenly everyone wanted American T-shirts and cars and they wanted to watch American movies and dance the Charleston to rock ‘n roll music. This started a period of American dominance, a real golden age, and it is a shame it had to come to such a tragic and sudden end with the election of Barack Obama.
Apparently this guy is an American, I don’t know, they say they found a birth certificate in Hawaii but some people tell me they’re not so sure about it. I don’t have an opinion on it at all, I just think it’s suspicious and somebody needs to look into it. We need to know whether Hawaii was a state at that time, it’s up for debate but I suspect that maybe Hawaii was not. Historians cannot say for sure.
Speaking of failed Presidencies, that brings us to something that happened sometime after World War I: the Great Depression. It’s a misnomer, because I will tell you what, and most people, educated people will agree with me, it was not so great. It was not great for the blacks or the whites or the orientals or the Hispanics—and listen, I do very well with the Hispanics. They love me.
If America hadn’t elected this guy Herbert Hoover, we probably wouldn’t have had the Depression. This guy was a real loser. That just shows you—you elect a guy President and then a few months later, bing-bing-bong, you’re in the Great Depression. Sounds like a certain other president I know who was our last disaster of a president.
This guy Hoover, he had terrible ideas. He wanted people to live in terrible junky houses that he named after himself. “Come to Hooverville!” he said in a well-known TV infomercial of the day. But the Hoovervilles were rotten places to live and it just shows you that this guy was a bad businessman to put his name on them. Bad move. You talk about Trump steaks, Trump vodka, Trump educational institutions—these are all quality products in the American tradition. America is synonymous with quality and Trump is synonymous with quality. So really Trump is synonymous with America, that’s a fact, and that really says something nice about America. It’s a nice gesture to be synonymous with me. I support synonymity and anyone who doesn’t is a real knucklehead.
Hoover, I hate to go on about this guy but wow – you kind of have to. I mean, he was also in the musical Annie! Your country is falling down around you and you’re off doing song and dance! Literally, song and dance, that is what a musical is, it’s like a play but better because of the singing. More pizzazz and showmanship, really a classy form of entertainment. And let’s acknowledge, let’s just make it clear, FDR was in Annie too, the singing part, not so much the dancing part. He was not much of a dancer, FDR.
But FDR was the hero. Hoover brought us to the brink of destruction in Annie, the musical, and then FDR saved us all. I should know because I saw the original Broadway production. I had front row seats, me and my wife at the time. The tickets were very difficult to get, but I have friends. Ivana and I, we were newlyweds in fact and hoo boy, she was a piece of ass. Later, you know, well you replace things when necessary. That’s business. But look at my daughter Ivanka. It’s ok, you can look at her, I won’t tell you not to. How could you not? Hoo boy. She is a 10, first presidential daughter we’ve ever had who is a 10, it’s a fact.
VII. Saving Private Everybody
But saving the musical Annie, which was a fantastic show, very well reviewed, wasn’t FDR’s only achievement. In fact, he saved the world by entering World War II and setting those Germans straight. Again, I don’t know, I would have to have more information, but my instinct would have been to stay out of that. But he did it, he didn’t give a crap about what anyone thought, which is a real American way of thinking.
And it turns out it was the right thing to do. I wouldn’t have done it but then, I didn’t have the facts. I’m big on facts. I’m huge on facts. I have a lot of historian friends, really famous people who have written a lot of historian books, and they tell me: We don’t know much about this war. Not a lot has been written about it. Saving Private Ryan, ok, good movie. But sending Americans to fight in Europe, just because these Nazi bozos didn’t learn their lesson the first time around? I guess we will just never know whether that was the right thing to do.
There is no point in dwelling on it. I don’t like to dwell on the past. I don’t know why people want to dwell on the past, we are not going to do that in this history book. Not if I’m writing it. Am I writing it? Well, I’m saying it and someone is writing it down, so the answer is: Yes, you goddamn better believe I am writing it. Just because I don’t have some nutty feather quill pen and a bottle of ink, baloney!
I am writing this. I wrote this. This is a Trump book, which is synonymous with American quality. It’s no Art of the Deal, but it’s very good. I think you’re very pleased with it. You will read Art of the Deal next, it’s on your syllabus, which was personally designed by me, and is very classy. The best 11th-grade syllabus this country has ever seen, believe me.
Hitler, it turned out he was such a pussy. Such a pussy. And we were about to grab him but he offed himself. What a wimp loser! Actually, and this is one of the finer points of history that a lot of people aren’t going to tell you, it was Russia that was about to grab the pussy Hitler when he killed himself.
You have to respect that Red Army they had, it was a quality army and it just goes to show you—Vladimir Putin is someone you really have to respect. All of those commie guys, Stalin and some other guys in between them and then Putin, they really know how to get things done, and other countries can just take a hike as far as they’re concerned. That is why America and Russia are such good friends, or at least why we should be good friends. We should do lunch sometime. I am confident we will. Because we both just tell other countries, “You don’t like what we’re doing? You can go pound sand!” And they have to do it. That’s what makes America great, and what makes Russia great.
D-Day, great, great moment for America. You look at what we’re doing there on D-Day, we’re rescuing France from the Germans, what more do you need to know. France is the all-time wussiest country and we’re there to save their asses, and these Germans, they’ve got these big guns and bunkers but we don’t even care. Great tanks, too, the Germans. They make quality things, the quality that went into those tanks would later go into their sportscars. I own several, Porsches, Mercedeses, BMWs. I lose track of how many.
But D-Day, this is all you need to know about Europe right here. Germans technologically the best, France weak, America #1. And where is Great Britain? Oh, Britain, with the famous British Navy, the best Navy in the world historically. Well not so much, really. And their cities, London was just rubble because the Germans had been bombing the shit out of them.
That really tells you something about a society. Someone bombs your building and you don’t even clean it up. Or say you were in my position, where you don’t clean things yourself because you are rich, it would be like if I didn’t even hire anyone to clean it up. That’s simple job creation there, someone bombs something, well, there is a job to be done cleaning it up. This is the kind of job I have been creating my whole career, people with brooms and squeegees and heavy machinery. But some countries, it is not in their nature to have job growth and employ people and clean up piles of rubble.
I have always said this: Great Britain, not so great. The England part is overrated. The Scotland part is the best because they invented golf and they are home to a fantastic Trump golf course and resort. And the Scottish people, they love me. I do very well with the Scots. Braveheart, great movie.
But we’re not done with World War II. There’s a reason it’s known as “The Best Quality War” and that’s because Americans did so many things. Mussolini, he was the Italian Hitler, but not as good. He was really a crummy, second-rate Hitler. The Italians are not about quality, they make shoddy products and a shoddy wannabe Hitler. You want to fly in an Italian airplane? Ha! Be my guest, I’ll pass. I won’t be going up in any Italian airplane anytime soon.
Now, if you go back, the Roman Empire—that was about quality. They really had good taste, they made every damn thing out of marble and gold. It’s a style I have always respected and tried to live by personally.
You know what I like to do? I’ll tell you, and this may be shocking. I like to walk around Trump properties, after hours, wearing a bedsheet and a—some kind of wreath on my head or whatever. I do like to do that. Melania, she calls me Emperor Donald, and I’ll be frank about that: it’s very sexy. She’s a very sexy woman, a sexy First Lady, and you can respect the hell out of her while still finding her sexy and really terrific physically. She is the only First Lady we’ve ever had who is a 10. She is a 10, that’s a fact.
And so Melania and I, in our bedsheets like the Romans of old, we sit down and eat a nice steak dinner. We talk about our vast empire and treat our servants very kindly. It’s fun. Everyone should do it.
And then the other thing about World War II was the Japs. Oh, sorry, the Japanese, we have to be sensitive to them now. They attack us at Pearl Harbor, then they end up selling us boatloads of cars and computers and VCRs, what have you, and then they devalue the crap out of their currency every other day, and we can’t say “Japs.” I’ll say “Japs” if I want to! We dropped two atomic bombs on those bastards! They were really fantastic, first rate bombs, and we really let those people have it.
And you know what? It was the best thing for them. Do you think we’d have, you know, a Sony Playstation and an $150,000 Acura NS-X without the atomic bomb? It makes you think. It’s really—it’s food for thought, history. That’s why I like history so much. Because I am someone who really enjoys thinking.
VIII. Fabulous, Incredible America
Then before you know it, it’s the ‘50s, and that was really the golden age. I loved the ’50s, it was such great fun. I was very young, but I really had a tremendous, huge time in the ’50s. Going to the sock hop. Rock ‘n roll! I mean, Bill Haley and the Comets doing “Rock Around the Clock,” Elvis doing “Jailhouse Rock.” Bob Dylan doing some kind of hippie shit, it was terrible, really poor quality, but what a time!
Everybody loved the ’50s, the blacks, the Hispanics, the LPGAs, it was a period of prosperity and real excellence and quality for everyone in America. We won. America won the ‘50s. We don’t win anything anymore, but we sure as hell won the ‘50s. Leave it to Beaver! Dobie Gillis! My Three Sons, not so much, not the best show. But still better than any other country’s crummy shows.
I didn’t much care for the ‘60s. Really a low-rent, low-quality time. People just wanted to be really shaggy and dirty, and wear all sorts of clothing that was, well, frankly it was un-American clothing. No wonder they were burning flags. All of it over the war, it was a crummy war!
Vietnam, I would have sat that one out. In fact I, personally, I did sit that one out, which was a smart move on my part. Should I have done that? That is not the question. The fact is, I was allowed to do it, so you can’t blame me for being a shrewd businessman. Or a shrewd not-go-to-Vietnam man. You have to take a serious look at the laws that allowed me to do that. But nobody wanted to. Washington!
The ‘70s was a great decade. People tended to be rich and the nightlife was fantastic. I could tell you some stories, but I won’t. Ha ha. Some people were affected by an energy crisis, which was baloney, it was because we were weak in the Middle East. You had an Ayotollah, and a king and some other kind of, you know, we’ll just say guys in turbans. Can we say that? Anything else, I’ll get in trouble, you know? It was OPEC and they were being the bullies of the world and that’s our role, goddamn it. I would have bombed them, repeatedly. All of them, and a lot of neighboring countries as well. You have to show them you mean business and that you won’t hesitate to bomb the wrong people. You will find that everyone will fall in line pretty quick.
And then that war, that Vietnam war, it was still going on. What a crummy, rainy jungle of a country, full of ungrateful, murderous people who shot at us because we were shooting at them. Although—Apocalypse Now, am I right? Martin Sheen, what a performance. A pity he’s such a weak-minded liberal, but you can’t hold that against him.
Artists are usually completely crazy. Michael Jackson was a great personal friend of mine but, you know—need I say more? Francis Ford Coppola—he also made Godfather I and II, which are among my very favorite movies. That’s a documented fact, you can find it on the internet, I really love those Godfather movies.
I also love the internet, you can find any fact you want there. If you have a hunch that maybe something is true, go to the internet and you will find that indeed it is.
IX. The Trump Era
Then the ‘80s, and the ‘90s, and the 2000s—really fantastic times for the country and the world, and I confess that I had a great hand in it. The wall comes down in Berlin, a space shuttle blows up, the stock market does great, you have these Indiana Jones movies, and I, personally, I do really great. Nothing but success for me and as they say in business—which is what I am in, I make deals and am in business—a rising tide lifts all boats. That’s something they say.
So, I was that tide. The tide was me. Everyone else was the boats. It’s a metaphor, never mind.
My successes in the real estate business and as a developer of luxury properties really changed the world, and my failures—they were phony failures. All of that, I did it on purpose, because I knew more than the experts. Experts with their so-called expertise. More like expert bias! I said, what the world needs now is to see Donald Trump—“The Donald” as they call me with great affection, great affection—the world needs to see the human side of Donald Trump. So this deal here, which was a fabulous deal, I won’t tell you which one but they were all fabulous, but I will let this deal appear to fail for the good of the world.
And it worked! It made people happy, they were very pleased with it. They were pleased with my successes, and they were pleased with my failures. So many things you don’t think I was involved with, the truth is I really was, through my actions, which I will never disclose to the extent of which. You don’t need to know. Let’s just say that it was inevitable that I would become president of this country. And, if all goes well, president of the world.
That was a joke, of course. All will go well, and I will be president of the world. There is no “if.” It’s a done deal! I do deals, I always have. You’re gonna love it.
And then yes, the world will get together as never before. All these walls I have made them build, and made them pay for themselves, they will tear down those walls and decide they all want to live with brotherly love for their fellow man, with me as their president. And you know what, I will agree to that on a few conditions.
The main one is that they do not bring their filthy cuckoo foreign cultures and people into this country. The bad hombres. The bad caballeros with the nasty senoritas and the anchor ninos. I think you know what I’m saying, I don’t have to spell it out, do I compadre? I will still be anti- all that and pro law and order. And the second condition is that I never have to go visit their crummy countries. Fine, I will be president of Planet Earth, which will of course become Planet Trump, which will be synonymous with quality. We will have a very classy planet, which we haven’t had in a long time.
But if your country isn’t worthy of a Trump resort property, then I will not be visiting it. I have very good people who evaluate this, they go to every country in the world so I don’t have to. Really top notch people in really crummy countries, that is how you run the world.
But that is the future. That is history yet to be written. Together, we will write that history. Just kidding, I will write it myself, I don’t need anyone’s help.