Are you *sure* you don’t want a brown paper bag for that?

08-0226-extenzedrink_72dpiI asked the Playboy Advisor and got the straight story: Penis-enlargement is big business. Pun unavoidable.
1. Whip up a placebo (usually made of oats) with a suggestive name.
2. Devise a convincingly unpolished infomercial (these people are not actors — they are men with small penises and accredited urologists willing to lie for money).
3. Count the cheddar, baby.
Those pushing name-brand trouser snake oil are making hundreds of millions of dollars off of nothing, and unless they’re dumb enough to renege on money-back guarantees, they could push into billion territory. (Tip: Avoid reneging on money-back guarantees by not offering them in the first place.) Extenze, a mainstay of MSNBC’s late-night lefty news loop, is trying to make insecurity about genitalia into a positive attribute. The commercial tells you you get a packet of pills that can be taken discreetly enough, and two Extenze beverages (regular and sugar-free). In big shiny cans that say “Extenze Male Enhancement.” I figured it was almost accidental branding — the tendency to slap a logo on anything that doesn’t move. But no, Extenze wants you to tell people you’re drinking your way to manliness. Extenze plans on being in the 7-Eleven next to Red Bull and Rockstar. Extenze envisions a world where admitting you think your penis is too small might get you laid if you demonstrate you’re working on the problem:

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